thoughts after some time

probably no one reads this anymore, so i'm going to process here...

It's been an entire semester since summer and PNG. That experience brought up a lot of questions I didn't have answers to, questions about doctrine, and questions about myself and what I was capable of. In my head I know "it's not about what I can do, but what God can do in and through me and about his power and plan in the world"... but it's a different thing to really believe that and live believing it. Doctrinally questions I have are mainly about salvation and baptism. Because to think about teaching someone something, or being married to someone who's teaching something, I have to know what I believe and why, and be able to back it up biblically.

I began the semester feeling so unable to cope with these questions that I kind of rebelled against thinking about them, and about the possibility of missionwork in my future. In numbing myself to pursuing these things and inadvertently numbed myself to God's spirit to a degree. I repent of that sin. Wherever he leads me, I trust that he will hold and protect me. He will give wisdom, strength, peace. I am still struggling to believe this completely, but choosing to trust, knowing that he will catch me as I step out into the dark. I have feared the future, feared being alone in it, not knowing. I have seen God bring people face to face with their fears. It is always a blessing, a refining process that comes with pain. But glory after, and sometimes during, the pain.

I just want to be with Him, whatever that will mean, wherever it will lead.